So let me introduce you to this people right here, the ones that have carried me through, and helped me feel better the minute I feel like crap, yeah they are fictional but they are my heroes, and they have been there for me even more times that I could count on with real people in real life. Lately I have been feeling real crappy, yes, we all have those off-days, but mine has lasted weeks, months and years. I've heard that writing these stuff down helps, plus I cant afford a therapist, other than my college psychologist. Maybe I should visit her again.
The thing is that I just thought college was going to be this new beginning for me, a clean slate from all those shitty school years. In some way it has, I certainly have been able to be myself more than ever now, but I also thought that once I started college I wasn't going to have to deal with feeling like an outcast and a lame loser again, it was supposed to be the place and the time where I'd finally find my partner in crime, my future business pal, a friend. At the start it felt like that, but right now I can't wait to finish and graduate.
And yes, I have met incredibly awesome people, but I still feel like a damn stranger. I know I am the problem, but, how can I change?, how can I make it better? believe me I've tried, I have tried.
I made this collage because as like everyone who watches movies, we all have this role model or this special movie character that makes us feel good about ourselves, and that gives us hope. These are mine, and I just wanted to gathered them all up, like some sort of holy shrine or something, and share it with you. I look at them and I know things will be better, I look at them and I know its ok to be the way I am, and I should not want to be any other way no matter how difficult it gets, and yes this is the new background on my phone.
I just go back and remember and think of all those movies, tv shows, and book characters, where "my fictional heroes" are. The ones that despite being weird, loners, outcast, rejected, awkward, different, or have gone through some really tough shit, have rise above all that, and never changed, even when it got really bad. Yeah, of course sometimes it got so bad, that they felt like giving up, or change who they were, but in the end no one broke their spirit, they remain truthful to themselves, and guess what, they ended up being really succesful, or at least very special in the future. Also, they are fucking hilarious. We all have them, and these are mine (there are more, oh yes there are).
I love Chandler Bing, who could easily be my favorite fictional character of all times, I love his inadequacy and like him, jokes are my defense mechanism; Cristina and Meredith, my rolemodel of a true genuine friendship, they met after college on their late 20's, so I've still got a chance; oh Abed, I just wish I had a friend like Abed, he is so fascinating and no matter how many times everyone around him calls him a weirdo, he stays the same, just like dr. Spencer Reid; Cosmo Brown from Singing In The Rain whom I just fell in love with right away, Suzy Bishop and Margot Tenenbaum's uniqueness, and their 'i-dont-give-a-fuck-about-what-others-think' really empowers me, just as much as Lorelai Gilmore and Max's 'I-am-my-fucking-self' personality; Liz Lemon is a mayor hero for me, its ok to be lame and a loser your whole life if you're going to be the talented, weird and strong Liz Lemon, I love that woman, I love Tina Fey; which takes me to Napoleon, damn I look at him and I wish I had his determination, his security, his self confidence, and those sweet dance moves, he can be shoved into every locker, and he remains to be that awesome unique person he is; Dwayne from Little Miss Sunshine, I wish there was a guy like him at my school, I really feel related to him, and many times I find myself hating the entire world, ahh we'd be the bestest of friends; and last but not least, the girls from Whip It, especially Kristen Wiig's, Drew Barrymore's and Ellen Page's characters, all of them very empowering women, that show you is ok to be this genuine all over the place crazy chick, and it is bad-ass to be yourself.
Yes, i also do have some real life heroes but that collage will come later.